Mindset: The Money Beliefs You Didn't Choose (And What To Do About Them)
Something I hear way too often is "I'm not a numbers person," and that is then meant to equate to not being good with money. If this is you, please stop for a moment and think about where this thought came from. It's highly likely that it didn't come from you. No child grows up thinking this on their own, and what we belief to be true now mostly comes from our childhood.
Somebody, somewhere (mostly likely a close family member), handed you that belief, and you've been carrying it around like it's a fact ever since.
That's what part 2 of my Thriving Money System series is about this week: mindset. I hesitate to even use the word "mindset" because it gets thrown around so much, and we've become desensitised to it. But it's still the best single word for what I'm talking about, so I'll continue to use it.
Mindset isn't one thing
When people talk about mindset, they usually mean it as an all-encompassing concept. I want to break it into three pieces you can actually work with: identity, behaviour, and experience.
Identity is who you believe you are, built from the beliefs and stories you've inherited or told yourself.
Behaviour is what that identity produces: your habits, your thoughts, and importantly, the language you use.
Experience is what happens as a result, which then loops back around and reinforces the identity all over again. Round and round it goes.
I used to have this ongoing back-and-forth with my father about this exact thing. He'd say something like "well, that's just who I am," fully resigned to it, like his identity was a fixed setting he had no control over. And I'd say, "yes, but you're in charge of that." He'd look at me like I'd said something ridiculous.
I believe I'm in charge of who I am, how I am, and who I'm choosing to become. Not in a "manifest your dream life" kind of way. In a genuinely practical way. You get to decide the type of mother, friend, daughter or business owner you want to be.
Trace it back. You'll be surprised what you find.
If you want to understand your own money beliefs, the exercise I'd give you is this: go back at least two generations in your family, maybe three if you can, and look at what beliefs and stories existed around money.
I can look at my grandmother, my mother, and myself, and I can already see what my daughter is picking up too. Some of it intentional, some of it not. Some of it good, some of it not so good.
In my family, there's a lot of history tangled up in this. My mother was a happy kid in Paris until the choices her mother made forced them to flee Europe. That kind of disruption creates trauma, and trauma changes how a family relates to money for generations afterwards.
By the time my parents were together, money would come in and go straight back out again, partly because they weren't used to having it, and partly because when they did have it, they wanted to enjoy it after years of not being able to. I grew up watching that pattern and consciously thought, I don't want to do what they did. I didn't know yet what I did want. But knowing what you don't want is still a legitimate place to start.
My advice here is simple and slightly old-fashioned: write it down. Pen and paper. Ask your family members questions if you can. Documenting your money story is the first practical step, because you can't consciously choose what you haven't consciously named.
Behaviour: it's the habits, but it's also the language
Once you've looked at identity, the next layer is behaviour, which shows up as habits, thoughts, and language.
Habits have changed a lot because so much of managing money is digital now. No more paper bills stacking up on the kitchen bench as a visual reminder. I actually still print mine out, old-school as that is, because I like the physical filing system. But whatever the format, the habit still needs managing.
The language piece is the one I think matters most, and it's the one people notice least. There's a real difference between "we can't afford it" and "do I want to afford it." The first one is a closed door. The second one is a choice. I use this with my daughter around her pocket money. She's already got ten squishies. Does she need another? It's her money, so it's her decision, but I want her thinking about whether something is genuinely valuable to her, not just whether she technically has the cash to pay for it.
A small, real example from my own life: I had a bank recently change their interest rate rules on me before I'd even been with them three months. I could have gotten annoyed about it (and for a minute, I was). But instead of staying stuck in that, I looked for the workaround. I set a monthly reminder on my phone to do a transfer on a specific date so I still get the bonus interest under the new rules. Small system, problem solved, moving on.
Experience: don't let it become the story
The third piece, experience, is where it all gets reinforced, for better or worse. Something happens, and depending on the meaning you attach to it, it either becomes "yeah, that happens sometimes" or it becomes "this always happens to me," which is a much heavier sentence to carry around.
This is really the problem-versus-solution mindset in action. When something goes sideways, the question isn't "why does this always happen to me." It's "okay, what do I actually want here, and what do I need to do or become to get there." Do I need different information? A different system? A five-minute conversation with someone who's good at solving that particular kind of problem?
And on that note, know who to go to for what. Sometimes you need a solution. Sometimes you just need to vent for two minutes and have someone say "yep, that's rough, go on with your day." Both are valid. Just don't ask the solution person to sit with your feelings, or the venting friend to fix your spreadsheet.
Where to from here
Your identity, your habits, and the stories you tell yourself about what "always happens" to you: all three are working on your finances right now, whether you've looked at them or not. You don't need to overhaul your whole psychology this week. Just start with the pen and paper exercise. Write down what you believe about money and where you think that belief came from. That's it. That's the whole first step.
Next week we move into part 3 of the Thriving Money System: education, the part where I talk about knowing what you actually need to know, not everything, just your part of it. Aligned to the lifestyle you want and the mindset you're working on.
